Hannah is posing in front of a green screen for photograph Liza, who is swaying from side to side with her camera.
LIZA
Wonderful, Hannah! Brilliant! Oh, you look gorgeous! Radiant! This is the life, hold on tight! Yeah. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha...this is the life...(her movement comes to a halt)...oh, wait, stop. Stop, stop. (walking over to Hannah) Hannah, darling, we're doing an ad for skin cream, not wart removal! What is that face?
ROBBY
I believe it's a reaction to your singing.
LIZA
And you are?
ROBBY
Hannah's manager.
LIZA
Well, Hannah's manager, I'm an award-winning photographer, so why don't you just push your tush off my set?
ROBBY
And I'm also her father.
LIZA
(calling) Oh, I need a chair for Mr Montana's tush! (as Robby sits) Oh, there you go. Comfy?
ROBBY
Like a monkey in a banana bath.
LIZA
Oh, how charming! (fake laughter) OK...(walks to Hannah)…Hannah, darling, Magic Glow Skin Cream, everyone's favourite zit zapper, is using this billboard to launch a worldwide campaign, OK? So give me, um...jubilance peppered with argh...rapture, and sprinkled with just a dash of je ne sais quoi. (Hannah does a pose) No, no, no, that's not even close.
ROBBY
How about, "say cheese"?
LIZA
Oh, I need some cheese for Mr Montana.
ROBBY
Nice spread, son. (to Liza) You need to slow it down a little bit. What I'm saying is, if you just keep it simple, you'll get more out of her.
LIZA
Oh, yes, Mr Montana, anything you say. (to a handyman, as Robby walks off) Just what I need, Jethro's chicken fried wisdom. (takes a sip of water and turns back to Hannah) All right, Hannah, say, "cheese"! (starts taking snaps) OK. Alright. Yes! Good. You're getting there. (Robby does some funny actions behind Liza's head) Yes, oh fabulous! Oh, yes, fabulous! Perfection! Perfection...(turning to a now seated Robby) I've done it again.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
At the beach, a group of teenagers are playing basketball. Miley has the ball, Oliver is calling for it.
OLIVER
Miley!
MILEY
Oliver!
Oliver catches the ball, and turns to throw it...
OLIVER
For the winning shot...
But Lilly comes blindly skating through on her skateboard, knocking herself and Oliver to the ground.
OLIVER
(getting up) Come on Lilly, flagrant foul!
LILLY
(getting up) Oopps...my bad. (picks up the basketball and walks to a post) Here you go. (throws the ball at the post) Nice hands, Shaq.
Lilly walks away and Miley takes her by the arm.
MILEY
Why don't you have your contacts in?
LILLY
My dog ate them, along with an entire tube of toothpaste. He's been doing this all morning...(moves her mouth like a dog)
MILEY
Lilly, how are you gonna' get a sneak peek at my Magic Glow billboard tonight if you can't even see?
LILLY
I'll just imagine your head really big with pigeons on it. (Miley gives her a look) I know, you're giving me a look, I just can't see it.
MILEY
Don't you have back up glasses?
LILLY
Oh, you mean these?
Lilly puts on some dorky-looking glasses. Miley backs up against the counter...Jackson is on duty.
MILEY
Wowee...look at those styling specks!
LILLY
Nice try. Never let your mother buy you glasses at a place that also sells tyres. (takes off the glasses)
Heather comes walking up from the beach with her skateboard, speaking with an attitude. Heather's friend Kim is also at her side.
HEATHER
Hey, Truscott!
LILLY
Yeah? (to Miley) Who's that?
MILEY
Heather.
Lilly goes in the wrong direction for them, but Miley leads her in the right way by the arm.
MILEY
OK, give them attitude! More 'tude.
HEATHER
Congrats on making the half-pipe finals. I am so sorry.
LILLY
About what?
HEATHER
Sorry I'm gonna' beat you. Again!
KIM
Beat you again!
HEATHER
You've got no chance!
KIM
No chance!
HEATHER
(to Kim) Shut up.
KIM
Shut up! (realizes) Oh...
LILLY
Let me tell you something, Heather. (points her finger in the wrong direction)
MILEY
(taking control of Lilly's hand) No, let me. Hold up, slick. No one talks to my girl like that.
LILLY
Ow.
MILEY
Sorry. (to Heather) Saturday night in the finals, you're going down. You may have beaten Lilly the last year, and the year before that, and the year before that...
LILLY
(putting a hand over Miley's mouth) I think she gets it!
HEATHER
You're the one who's gonna' get it bad.
KIM
(waving her finger) Get it baaadd! (to Heather) Too much?
HEATHER
You think?
Heather and Kim turn to walk away, and Miley calls after them.
MILEY
You know what, you may be the champion now, but after Saturday, you're gonna' be the chumpion! (walking back to Lilly) High-five!
Miley holds her hand up for a high five, and Lilly smacks her in the forehead, knocking Miley to the ground. Lilly's phone rings.
MILEY
(still on the ground) Just answer your phone before you hurt anybody else.
Lilly answers her phone and starts pacing. Miley gets up.
LILLY
Hello? Hey, mom. What? But they said...OK, fine...(hangs up and turns to Miley)…my contacts aren't coming til' next week!
MILEY
Oh, so what. You can just wear your glasses to the skate finals. Who cares?
LILLY
I do. No way I'm gonna' compete if I have to wear these. (holds up her glasses)
MILEY
Are you kidding me? All you've been talking about is double kickflipping Heather all across the skate park!
LILLY
That was with two eyes, not four. (paces in the opposite direction)
MILEY
(tapping Lilly's shoulder) Over here.
LILLY
I am not going in front of all those people looking like this. (puts on her glasses upside down)
MILEY
Lilly, would you please stop worrying about how you look? It's what's on the inside that counts.
LILLY
Easy for you to say. You're the poster child for perfect skin.
MILEY
(turning away) This isn't about me! ...(rubs her chin)...or my perfect skin. Oliver! (Oliver runs over to them) Please tell Lilly that LOOKS DON'T MATTER!
OLIVER
OK...(to Lilly)...looks don't matter.
MILEY
See? If Oliver can say it with his freaky nostril thing, you can get over your glasses.
OLIVER
Yeah. (sudden realization, as he turns to Miley) What?
MILEY
Oh, you know how one is way bigger than the other? (Oliver turns back and fourth restlessly) You don't see him obsessing about it.
Oliver runs over to a man passing by, takes off his sunglasses and stares at the reflection of his nostrils.
OLIVER
Oh, my gosh. (runs over and flares his nostrils at Miley) Look at me! Look! I'm a lopsided freak!
MILEY
I'm sorry, I thought you knew.
Oliver turns for the exit to the beach, shouting weakly at the people he passes...
OLIVER
Stop staring at me! I am not an animal!
Oliver runs off, and Miley laughs.
***
In the Stewart kitchen, Robby, holding a coffee mug, opens up the dishwasher only to take out Jackson's underwear...
ROBBY
Jackson...there's something wrong with that boy.
Jackson enters through the front door, and walks over to his father.
JACKSON
Why? Why? Why me, dad? Why me?
ROBBY
I was just asking myself that same question not five seconds ago when I unloaded these.
JACKSON
Whoa, it worked! They are whiter.
ROBBY
And, lemon fresh. (hangs them over Jackson's cap) On the bright side, I'm just glad to see you're wearing clean underwear again. So how'd the date go, son?
JACKSON
I still can't believe it. (goes and sits down) I finally got Melissa to go out with me, and we're cruising down the coast highway, and I do that yawn thing, you know, where I get my arm all the way around her, and then...plom!
ROBBY
I can see where that would've been embarrassing. But, at least you're in a convertible.
JACKSON
(standing) Dad, it wasn't me, it was the car. I didn't have enough money so I ran out of gas. It was humiliating.
ROBBY
Don't sweat it, son, I'm sure your friend understood. It's not like you made her get out and push.
Jackson nods down guiltily, as Melissa walks in through the front door with ash burnt all over her.
MELISSA
This has been the worst date of my entire life!
JACKSON
Well, maybe a little kiss will make it better?
Jackson leans in to kiss her, but she slaps his cap down on his face and walks out.
JACKSON
(turning to Robby) Somebody had to steer!
Robby goes to say something in response, but changes his mind and turns away.
***
Jackson is behind the counter at Rico's Shack. Rico approaches.
RICO
Hello, Jackson.
JACKSON
Hello, Rico.
RICO
So, your boss, the man I call "daddy", tells me you asked him for a raise?
JACKSON
Yeah, I did. Girls like cars, cars like gas, and gas costs money. What's it to you?
RICO
Well, daddy still hasn't made up his mind. Could go either way. If only you had someone, someone...someone on the inside...someone who knows how to pull on his heartstrings and make him dance like a little puppet. (jiggles around)
JACKSON
What do you want, Rico?
Rico laughs evilly as he stares into the air...
***
Rico is standing in front of a crowd of people on the beach, just outside the toilet blocks. He is dressed like a magician.
RICO
And now, the great Ricolini will perform the legendary disappearing egg trick, with the help of my charming assistant, the lovely Tina!
Jackson comes out of the bathroom dressed like a girl, wearing a tiara and an elegant red dress. He is holding a cushion with an egg on the middle. The crowd laugh, as he steps forward on his high heels.
RICO
She should have shaved her legs. (pause; Jackson itches his leg) But isn't she wonderful?
JACKSON
(without enthusiasm) Here O Great Ricolini, the magical egg. (a member of the audience snaps a photo) Please, no flash photography.
RICO
Isn't she wonderful?
On Rico's indication, Jackson holds up his arms to reveal his hairy armpits...Rico takes the egg from the cushion.
RICO
(showing the egg around) I hold in my hand what looks to be an ordinary egg...but is it? One, two, and...
Rico rips off Jackson's tiara and cracks it onto his head, the insides dripping everywhere.
RICO
Yes, it is. (pause) And, I thank you...(takes a bow)
***
Miley comes out from the door onto the top roof where the billboard will be displayed. She calls out from the top.
MILEY
Lilly, there's no one up here. This is really getting stupid.
Robby comes up after Miley, with Lilly clinging onto his back.
ROBBY
We passed stupid on the third floor. Now we're up to sports hernia. (lowers Lilly to the ground)
LILLY
OK, fine. (puts on the glasses and looks around) Whoa, this is so cool!
MILEY
Wait til' you see the billboard.
ROBBY
Not before the drum roll.
Robby hits some bins in a drum-roll fashion, as Miley and Lilly do a stylish dance to the beat.
LILLY
(on Miley's look) What?
MILEY
You know, they really don't look that bad.
ROBBY
If it helps, I think they're pretty cool.
LILLY
Aw, man! (turns away)
ROBBY
(to Miley) What'd I say?
MILEY
Dad, when a parent says something's cool, you know it's dorky.
ROBBY
Oh, OK, I get it. Lilly, I think those glasses are a big bowl of ugly.
LILLY
(starting to cry) Thanks a lot!
MILEY
(to Robby) "Big bowl of ugly"? Work with me here!
Miley walks over to Lilly and puts her arms around her.
ROBBY
Oh, well, enough chitchat. How 'bout we unveil this masterpiece?
MILEY
Yeah! And Lilly, when you beat Heather in the skate finals, no one's gonna be looking at your glasses. They're gonna' be looking at the big trophy in your hand!
LILLY
Well...it is big, isn't it? (crosses to the opposite side, Miley turns her back on the billboard as Robby unveils it)
MILEY
Oh, yeah. And if it were me I wouldn't let glasses or anything stop me from going after what I really wanted.
LILLY
(looking at the billboard) Really? Well, what if you had...a zit...the size of a tomato?
MILEY
Lilly come on, now you're just being ridiculous.
LILLY
Oh, yeah? Turn around.
Miley spins around to find that the billboard has a picture of Hannah Montana's face with a large zit on her forehead. Miley runs and points at it.
MILEY
(panicking) Daddy! Who put my face on that zit?
***
Miley, Robby and Lilly walk into the Stewarts' house. Robby is on the phone, to Liza, in regards to the zit that has been photo-shopped onto Hannah's forehead.
ROBBY
No, ma'am!
MILEY
No, ma'am!
ROBBY
No way!
MILEY
No way!
ROBBY
We never agreed to something like this.
MILEY
No, we did not!
Cuts to Liza on the other end, in her studio. A handyman is holding the phone to her ear.
LIZA
I know, but I had an inspiration. If Hannah Montana says, "even I get zits", she should have a zit. It was staring me right in the face.
ROBBY
Yeah, well now it's staring all of Los Angeles right in the face. And we don't like it.
MILEY
No, we do not.
Back on Liza's end, she points a finger down her throat at the handyman.
LIZA
I hear your concerns. There's nothing more important to me right now than your feelings. Be right back. (turns away and starts swaying side to side, as she takes photos) Ha! I need more emotion! You're...you're strong, you're fearless! You're a superhero saving the world!
We can see now that Liza is photographing a dog with sparkly, purple blanket hung over it.
LIZA
(crouching down to the dogs' level) Give me something. (turning away) I can't work with this!
***
Back in the Stewart kitchen, Lilly and Miley are standing by the table.
LILLY
Not so easy when it's your face that has the problem.
MILEY
(turning to Lilly) I don't have a problem. Why should I have a problem? After all, looks don't matter. And if that's the way they want to go with this worldwide campaign...then I'm fine with it.
ROBBY
(walking towards them) Sorry, Mile, but this is the way they want to go with the worldwide campaign.
MILEY
What? I mean...r...really? Great. Awesome. Terrific! (turning to Lilly) I love it.
ROBBY
You do?
MILEY
Yes, I do. I mean, after all, looks don't matter. I don't just talk the talk, I walk the walk. (does a slick slide across the floor)
LILLY
(approaching Miley) You are amazing. I mean, if you can stand up in front of the whole world with that ginormous zit, something any normal person would be humiliated by...
MILEY
Lilly, please...get to the point.
LILLY
The point is that, if you can do all that, then I can wear my glasses to the skate competition. (walks over and hugs Miley) Thank you SO much. (releases) This is the greatest thing you've ever done for me. I am gonna' double kickflip Heather all over that skate park! (pause) Thanks to you.
Lilly starts walking towards the front door exit.
ROBBY
I am so proud of you, Mile.
MILEY
Thanks. (the front door closes; Lilly has gone) Daddy, we have got to get rid of that zit!
ROBBY
What happened to, "looks don't matter"?
MILEY
What happened to, "don't worry, I'll fix it"?
ROBBY
I tried, bud.
MILEY
(mocking Robby) "I tried, bud".
Miley turns away, and walks upstairs. Jackson enters through the front door dressed as "Tina" from earlier. Robby stares at him bizarrely.
JACKSON
Hey, dad...
ROBBY
(approaching Jackson) Well, you move the family to Hollywood, and this is what you get.
Robby looks an embarrassed Jackson up and down, before he turns upstairs.
***
Jackson and Miley walk on top of the roof where the billboard is hung. Miley is holding a paintbrush.
MILEY
Come on Jackson, we gotta' do this quick.
JACKSON
Sorry, I need my cash up front. I got one kid yanking my chain already, I don't need another one.
MILEY
Fine...(hands Jackson a cash note)...half now, and half when the job's done.
JACKSON
Done.
MILEY
OK. Let's cover this goober. (she unveils the curtaining)
JACKSON
Wait, I got a better idea.
Jackson runs up to the zit and starts pressing in on it, as if trying to pop it.
JACKSON
It's not ready yet.
MILEY
Just hold the paint!
JACKSON
(Miley dips the paintbrush in the paint) Hey Miles, what are you gonna tell Lilly at the big unveiling when she sees that the zit's gone?
MILEY
Not a problem. (starts to paint over the zit) She'll be at the skateboard competition. And by the time she sees the billboard, she'll have her trophy, and I'll have my face back, just like that...
Miley steps back, with Jackson, as they look at the now-gone zit. Unbeknown to them, Robby has crept up behind...
ROBBY (V/O)
Nice work!
MILEY
Thanks...you know, sometimes the voice in my head sounds just like dad.
ROBBY
There's a reason for that. (places his hand on Jackson and Miley's shoulders)
MILEY
Oh, man. Busted!
ROBBY
So, who's the mastermind behind this operation?
MILEY
OK...(turning away)...Jackson made me do it!
JACKSON
What?
Miley takes a paintbrush from Robby's jacket pocket.
MILEY
Dad, why do you have a paintbrush?
ROBBY
(points the paintbrush at Jackson) Jackson made me do it!
JACKSON
And I repeat, what?
ROBBY
(hugging Miley) Mile, you know I'll always be there for you. You're my little girl.
JACKSON
Well hey, what am I?
ROBBY
Tina, my other little girl.
Robby embraces the two of them in a hug.
***
Rico is sitting at the counter at his shack, Jackson is on duty.
JACKSON
So, Rico, check this out. Your little magic act inspired me.
Jackson puts out on the counter three coconut halves.
JACKSON
Keep your eye on the ball.
He puts a red ball under the coconut in the middle, and rotates the other two around it a number of times.
JACKSON
Round and round they go. Watch the amazing works of the magnificent Jacksolini! (stops rotating them) Where's the ball?
RICO
Nice try, amateur. (lifts the middle one off) You call that a trick?
JACKSON
No, I call that a setup. Here's the trick!
Jackson pulls on a rope and some seaweed falls down on Rico. He struggles away from his seat.
RICO
Oh, gross, man, this stuff stinks!
Jackson baits him with a towel.
JACKSON
Hey, hey, you want this? Fetch! (throws it on the ground) Go get it, boy! Your dad called me this morning. I got the raise. And I thank you. (takes a courtesy)
RICO
(darkly) This isn't over.
Jackson starts to do a little dance, as Melissa, his girlfriend from earlier on, approaches from behind.
JACKSON
(singing) I got the raise, and dumped it on you. I dumped it on him. I dumped it on you.
MELISSA
Jackson?
JACKSON
Melissa, great news! I'm a man with money and a lotta' gas. Aargh, in my car.
MELISSA
(walking to Rico's side) What did you do to this little boy?
JACKSON
Well, first of all, he is not a little boy.
RICO
(whimpering onto Melissa) I want my mommy! (points and laughs at Jackson discreetly)
JACKSON
Stop that!
RICO
No, you stop it! Make him stop, nice lady.
MELISSA
(to Jackson) And to think, I came all the way over here to give you a second chance.
JACKSON
But...he's the Devil.
MELISSA
And you're pathetic. (to Rico) Come on, sweetie, I'll take you home and wash you off.
JACKSON
(holds out money as Melissa walks off with Rico) Wait...I have money.
***
At the press unveiling of the billboard. Liza is walking about being photographed.
LIZA
Hello? Who wants to talk to me, hi...oh, you're not important enough. (Hannah and Robby approach) Oh, look, it's the Montana posse. Yeah, howdy...(to Robby)...nice 'stache. You grow them fast down south. Once again, I'm sorry about...what was I sorry about?
ROBBY
Putting that zit on my child's forehead. (he and Hannah laugh)
HANNAH
OK.
LIZA
Right, right, well...who else wants to talk to me? (walks away)
Lilly is at the door by the security guard, her scarf around her mouth.
LILLY
Psst! Psst!
HANNAH
(to the guard) She's with me. (takes Lilly aside) Lilly, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the skateboard competition.
LILLY
I'm going straight from here. But, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't come to support you after all you did for me?
HANNAH
(touched) That's so sweet. Thank you so much. Now, go. (tries to pull Lilly away)
LILLY
No, no, no, no. When they pull that cover off and expose that big zit, I'm going to be right here for you.
HANNAH
Again, I appreciate it. Now, leave.
LILLY
No way, I'm staying. (they walk into the crowd as Liza takes the microphone)
LIZA
Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to present my latest masterpiece, the worldwide premiere of the Magic Glow Skin Cream campaign!
The curtain is unveiled to reveal the billboard, as the audience give a round of applause.
LILLY
Hey, what happened to the zit? Where'd it go?
HANNAH
Wow, that zit-zapper really works!
LIZA
Where's my zit? I loved that zit.
ROBBY
That'll teach you to sell us a horse and then deliver a mule.
LILLY
You covered it up.
HANNAH
Lilly, you don't understand.
LILLY
Oh, I understand fine. You lied to me! (turns away, Hannah follows)
HANNAH
But, Lilly! Just because I couldn't take my own advice, doesn't mean you shouldn't. I mean, go to that skateboard competition. Teach me a lesson. Be my role model.
LILLY
Save it. Why should I believe anything you tell me?
HANNAH
Because (pause) you said it was the best thing I ever did for you.
LILLY
Well, sometimes I say things I don't mean. You should know what that's like. (turns back into the crowd)
HANNAH
Lilly, please, just give me one minute!
LIZA
(at the microphone) Well, here she is, the new Magic Glow Skin Girl, Miss Can't Even Have One Little Blemish, no matter how many awards I'd win if she did. Ladies and gentleman, Hannah Montana.
The audience give a round of applause as Hannah takes the microphone.
HANNAH
Thank you. It's a real honour to be the spokesperson for Magic Glow Skin Cleanser. But if there's one thing that I've learned throughout this entire experience, it's that nobody's perfect, even celebrities.
LILLY
You look pretty perfect up there!
HANNAH
Yeah, but sometimes...I look like this.
Hannah tips a bucket of water over the area where she painted over the zit, the water comes pouring down to reveal it.
LILLY
Whoa.
HANNAH
I didn't want people seeing me this way, but I was wrong. Looks aren't everything. I'm not gonna' say that they don't matter, but there's stuff that matters more. And if you let a zit, or let's say...dorky glasses, stop you from living your life you're gonna' regret it. You really will. So, take your pictures! Let the world see that even Hannah Montana gets zits, and I'm OK with it. (a dropping from a bird overheard plops onto her shoulder) But this I ain't so crazy about.
LIZA
(now at Robby's side) You know, for a cowboy, you're kind of cute.
ROBBY
Just walk away, sister.
LIZA
OK...(walks off)
***
Robby walks into the kitchen and takes his shirt out of the dishwasher.
ROBBY
Well, I'll be danged. The boy was right. That pots and pans cycle really does get my clothes whiter.
JACKSON
(walking over) I told you! And as soon as my stuff's done, the dryer's all yours.
They look up and see that Jackson has his damp clothes hung on the sealing fan...
***
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