Miley, Lilly and Oliver are sitting in the Stewart's living room listen to Robby Ray play a new song for Hannah on the guitar. Miley joins in halfway through.
ROBBY
Stand, for what you believe in. Stand, for all that is right. (Miley joins in) Stand, when it's dark all around you. You can be that shining light...stand. When trouble's come calling...
MILEY
For what you believe in.
ROBBY
You're 'gonna be alright...stand. Just reach deep inside you…and be that shining light…stand.
Lilly and Oliver applaud.
MILEY
(as they finish) Dad, that's awesome! That is the best song you've ever written, I can't wait to record it. What's the bad news?
LILLY
Bad news? What are you talking about, it's a great song.
ROBBY
Thank you, Lilly. You know, I've always liked her.
MILEY
Don't change the subject! Every time he has bad news he tries to soften it up with a great song. Best of Both Worlds, had to get braces. This is the Life, Jackson decided not to go to sleep-away camp. Pumpin' Up the Party, my goldfish died.
OLIVER
When my goldfish died, my mom flushed it down the toilet. I'll never forget her comforting words..."get over it Oliver, it's a stinkin' fish."
LILLY
That explains so much.
MILEY
Come on, dad, just tell me. Trust me, I can handle it.
ROBBY
Your cousin Luanne's coming to visit…(rapidly changes subject)…who wants pie?
Miley stares blankly forward in fright.
LILLY
Miley?
Robby waves his hands in front of Miley's face.
ROBBY
Miley?
OLIVER
What kind of pie? (runs into kitchen)
ROBBY
Come on, Mile. Don't forget that wonderful, wonderful song I just wrote you that you love so much...(singing) Stand, for what you believe in. Stand…
Miley cuts him off by placing a grip on the guitar.
MILEY
When does her broomstick land?
ROBBY
Come on now, Mile, let's not start this again. (starts pacing into kitchen) Let's not forget who pulled you out of that well when you were just six.
MILEY
Let's not forget who pushed me in.
ROBBY
Hey, that was an accident! Sometimes kids do stuff without thinking.
They look over at the kitchen bench where Oliver is stuffing himself with the pie. A fly buzzes over and he spreads the pie on his shirt.
OLIVER
G'argh. Stupid fly.
ROBBY
I didn't plan that, but there you go.
MILEY
I can't believe this. Halloween is two days away and you're making me share my bathroom with the Princess of Darkness. If Luanne's coming, I'm sleeping over at Lilly's!
ROBBY
Oh, come on, Mile. Now listen, you guys have grown up. She's grown, you've grown, you're a lot alike. (the doorbell rings)
MILEY
How can you say that! I am nothing like that horrible, ugly witch!
Miley and Lilly go to open the door to reveal Luanne – who looks almost an exact match of Miley. She speaks in a Southern Accent. A clap of thunder sounds upon her arrival.
LUANNE
Howdy, 'cous! Well, yee doggies, this is one hum-dinger of a shack!
Luanne stares at Lilly and Miley freakily, who stare back in the same fashion.
***
OPENING CREDITS – "THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS"
Performed by Hannah Montana
***
Back in the living room, Lilly, Oliver, Jackson and Robby watch Luanne as she hands Robby a box of biscuits.
LUANNE
Uncle Robby, daddy says these are your favourite Halloween cookies. I made 'em myself. (sits down beside them on couch)
ROBBY
Pecan crunchies? Sweet nutty niblets! (Oliver, Lilly and Jackson take a cookie each)
JACKSON
Hey, you churned your own butter, didn't you?
LUANNE
Is there any other way?
Lilly is sitting beside Miley at the table in the kitchen. They both have unfinished plates of pie from earlier.
MILEY
Whatever you do, don't eat that.
LILLY
Why not?
MILEY
Because, it was made by the devil's little helper!
LILLY
You are being ridiculous! (takes a bite from the cookie, spits it out and dramatically falls onto the ground)
MILEY
Lilly!
LILLY
(as she gets up) Oh, please! Next you're gonna be saying, "she sees dead people".
Over at the couch, Oliver is gazing at Luanne, who is sitting at the side of Robby and Jackson.
OLIVER
You know, it's amazing how much you and Miley look alike.
LUANNE
Always have! When we were young'uns, you know, before she was...Hannah Montana, she was in the Little Miss Tater pageant, but I had to take her place before the talent part 'cause she got all nervous and barfy.
MILEY
(over at the table; to Lilly) I wasn't nervous, she slipped me some bad catfish! She's always been jealous of me because I can sing and she can't.
LILLY
What'd she do for the talent?
Lilly and Miley look over as Luanne chimes some "pig calls" from the lounge room.
MILEY
...pig calls...
ROBBY
(Luanne does some pig calls) Man, I miss Tennessee.
OLIVER
Boy, she cooks, she call pigs. (walks over to where Luanne is sitting) Where have you been all my life?
LUANNE
Oh, you. (knocks Oliver onto the floor) Mamma warned me about you handsome Californy fellers.
OLIVER
(standing, walks away) Oh, you...too...
LILLY
(over at the table again) Didn't you sat you named your pet pig Luanne?
MILEY
Yep.
They look over and hear Luanne snorting through her laughter.
MILEY
And now you know why.
***
Jackson is in the lounge room, looking through the Halloween decorations that are unpacked onto the coffee table. Robby walks in.
JACKSON
Oh, this is pathetic. Dad, every year we put up the same stupid decorations, and all my friends laugh at us.
ROBBY
I don't know, I think these are pretty gruesome. (puts a spider-prop behind Jackson) Look out, it's a spider! (Jackson stares blankly at him) It's in your hair...it's crawling in your ear...it's on your shoulder...boo?
JACKSON
Pathetic. Couldn't we at least get something halfway decent this year? I mean, our Christmas decorations are scarier than this.
ROBBY
Hey, just because one of Santa's eyes fell out doesn't make him any less jolly.
There is a knock at the door.
ROBBY
(walking to answer the door) This stuff scares six year olds. It's not like we're gonna find something that scares us. (he opens the door, to reveal Dontzig, their overweight neighbour, and shrieks)
DONTZIG
(waves a magazine) Stewart, someone shoved your magazines through my mail slot!
ROBBY
(taking the magazine) Hmm, I'm guessing that would be the mailman!
DONTZIG
(walking in) What's with the Halloween decorations? I should I say, "hallo-weenie" decorations? (laughs) Your winking Santa was scarier than this. (pulls an impression of the one-eyed Santa) I was hoping this year, you'd be a little competition for me. But I was wrong.
JACKSON
(standing) Dad, are you just gonna let him get away with that?
ROBBY
Don't worry about it son, it's a holiday. We're not gonna get sucked into his little game.
DONTZIG
(teasingly) Said, the loser!
ROBBY
Don't go challenging me, Dontzig.
DONTZIG
Oh, I'm "a-shackin"!
ROBBY
Well, take it outside. I don't have earthquake insurance.
DONTZIG
Save the jokes, Goldilocks. You're gonna need a sense of humour when all the kids see how "unscary" your house is, and they start pelting it with eggs...which, would be an improvement over this paint job! (laughs, and walks out, closing the door behind him)
ROBBY
That's it, he's crossed the line. He insulted my hair. Get in the car son, we're gonna' put the "boo" in Malibu.
JACKSON
Yes!
ROBBY
It's gonna be a hair-raising experience.
***
Down on the beach, outside Rico's, Luanne is over by the entrance to the pool helping a little girl with her skipping rope. Lilly and Miley are sitting on stools at the counter.
LILLY
I don't know why you're making such a big deal about your cousin, Luanne seems really nice.
MILEY
Yeah, and a Venus flytrap seems like a pretty plant…until it throws you down a well. Trust me, underneath those piggy tails...(puts two hands on top of her head)...little tiny horns.
LILLY
(stands) OK, not to sound like your dad, but...(speaks in a southern accent)...maybe you should give her a chance, bud. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear the ice-cream truck a-ringing, and I want me a "fudgie-buddy".
MILEY
OK, that was creepy good.
LILLY
Thank you. Now, would it kill you to open up a little and at least try to be friends with her? Hey, Traci's having that big Halloween party tomorrow night. Why don't we take her with us?
MILEY
No way! I ain't letting that pig calling, butter churning, evil-doing hayseed, anywhere near the Hannah world!
LILLY
Would you stop calling her names!
Luanne walks over with a big smile on her face.
LUANNE
Well, howdy, 'cous. I found you this pretty shell over by the tide pools. (hands Miley a shell)
MILEY
Yeah, pretty...a pretty good place to hide a poisonous hermit crab!
Miley has put the shell on the counter by now and starts crunching it to pieces with the serviette holder.
LUANNE
(seemingly hurt) What are you doing?
MILEY
I'm ruining your "little plan" to poison me and throw me down a well again!
LILLY
Miley, stop, there's nothing in there.
LUANNE
(snuffles) I was just trying to be nice to y'all! (runs off)
MILEY
See how clever she is? She tricks me into accusing her of something that she didn't do so I would look stupid.
LILLY
Well, it worked. You look pretty stupid. (starts walking off)
MILEY
I told you, she's an (rubs her hands together) "evil genius".
***
Jackson is up by the piano, looking through the window to check to see if Miley's coming. He has a baseball bat stuck through the middle of his head. He sits down as Miley walks past.
MILEY
Hey, Jackson.
JACKSON
(stands) Oh, man, it's not scary enough! It needs something. But what? (taps the baseball bat) Think, think...(walks into kitchen)
Robby walks downstairs, approaching Miley, who is sitting on the couch.
ROBBY
Hey, Mile. What happened at the beach today with you and Luanne? She's up in the guest room, she's awfully upset.
MILEY
Well, it could have something to do with the fact that I accused her of trying to kill me.
ROBBY
Yeah, that has been known to offend a person...
MILEY
Do you really think I'm being unfair?
ROBBY
Yeah, I do, bud. But I also know you're awfully good at fixing things when you put your mind to it.
MILEY
(pause) OK, fine. I'll go talk to her. (heads upstairs)
ROBBY
That's my girl.
MILEY
If I'm not down in ten minutes, check all the local wells.
Robby winks, as she runs upstairs.
***
Miley knocks on the guest room, upstairs. It cuts randomly inside and outside of Luanne's room.
MILEY
Luanne, you OK?
LUANNE
Yep, just packing up my bags and working on my plan for world domination.
MILEY
OK, look. Maybe...possibly...it's conceivable...that I haven't treated you completely fairly, and...I wanted to say...(struggles to word it)...I was sorry.
LUANNE
Really?
MILEY
Yeah. (Luanne opens the door)
LUANNE
The truth is, I always was a little jealous.
MILEY
Well, I think it's time that we took the past, and buried it.
LUANNE
Yeah, kind of like what we used to do with Aunt Pearl's "road-kill" ravioli.
MILEY
(laughs) Yeah...there was always gravel in mine.
LUANNE
Yeah, she said it gave it that special crunch.
MILEY
Well, if you still want to stay, there's a really great Hollywood Halloween party that I'd love to take you to.
LUANNE
(touched) You really want me to come with you-ins?
MILEY
I really want you to come with...me-ins...
LUANNE
(wipes away a tear; snuffles) I'm touched.
***
Lilly, who is guised as Lola, walks into Hannah Montana's closet. Hannah (or so it seems...) is standing by some shelves.
LOLA
Hey, the limo's here to take us to Traci's party. Are you ready?
HANNAH #2
Oh, yeah. Let's do this.
LOLA
Wait, where's Luanne?
HANNAH #2
Oh, um, she can't go. She was at the beach boogie boarding all day and she got a really bad sunburn.
LOLA
Oh, I hate that. But at least you two are friends now.
HANNAH #2
Yep, best of pals. Let's go!
LOLA
OK.
HANNAH #2
(as they start for the door) Oh, I forgot my purse. I'll meet you out in the limo, OK?
LOLA
OK.
Lola walks out, and Hannah #2 closes the door, giving a nasty look. She walks over to the moving cloth rack and hits the button. The real Miley (guised as Hannah Montana, in the same outfit), is tied up with a feather scarf gagged into her mouth.
HANNAH #2
Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. (speaks in southern accent) I can't believe you didn't see this coming. Maybe if you wouldn't have wasted your time in singing classes, and went to rodeo camp with the rest of us, you wouldn't be stuck in this situation. (Hannah #1 shakes her head) What's that, girl? You want Hannah to perform at the party? Good idea! (bad singing) You done get the best of both worlds...(Hannah #1 makes a lot of commotion)...oh, yeah. Horrible, ain't it? Wait till your fans hear that. (grabs her bag) That'll do wonders for your career. (darkly) Happy Halloween, 'cous!
Hannah #2 laughs evilly as she turns and walks out.
***
Halloween night – a group of kids from the neighbourhood come up and ring the Stewart's doorbell.
KIDS
Trick or treat?
Robby, who is dressed like an evil jack-o-lantern, stands up from the porch seat. Jackson comes out from a sarcophagus, dressed as a mummy. They growl and the kids run away, scared and screaming.
ROBBY
(taking off the pumpkin mask) Hey! Wait, kids! You forgot your candy!
JACKSON
(has taken off his head mask) Yes! There is no way that Dontzig's house is scarier than ours.
They do a "secret" hand-shake. The kids from before, now with three disgruntles parents, come back.
MOTHER #1
What is wrong with you?
MOTHER #2
You're supposed to hand out candy, not traumatise my kid!
ROBBY
I'm sorry, no, no, you don't understand. See, it's just that...we are...just trying to be as scary as the guy next door.
MOTHER #1
You mean Mr Happy Pumpkin Man?
JACKSON
Who?
Dontzig, dressed up in a pumpkin suit, comes cheerfully onto the porch.
DONTZIG
Hey, hey, kids! Yeah! (all the kids hug him; he shoots Robby a teasing look) Oh, is mean old Mr Stewart scaring you?
KIDS
Yeah!
ROBBY
(to Jackson) I don't believe this.
DONTZIG
Why would somebody wanna' scare little children? (pause; hummed agree from one mother) It's sick!
MOTHER #2
I'm not surprised. At Christmas, they put out a one-eyed Santa!
DONTZIG
No!
MOTHER #1
It's true. I've seen it.
JACKSON
But it's Halloween. And you're in "Mali-boo".
He waves his "mummy" face at the kids, and they all scream (including Dontzing).
DONTZIG
Come on, kids. Let's all go back to my house, and everyone can have another ride on the pony! Yay! (starts singing as the children cheer) He's Mr Happy Pumpkin Man, giving out candy like no one can. He's Mr Happy Pumpkin Man!
All the kids and the parents have now filed out, leaving Dontzig.
DONTZIG
(teasing) Well Stewarts, you win. You're the scariest, and everybody in the neighbourhood hates you. (jumps) I got you! (turns and goes out; sings) I'm Mr Happy Pumpkin Man...
ROBBY
(running after them) Wait up kids, I'm sorry!
JACKSON
Hey, hey, don't forget your candy!
MOTHER #1 (V/O)
Get away from our children!
MOTHER #2 (V/O)
I've got pepper spray!
The porch is now empty, as Hannah #1 (Miley) walks outside.
HANNAH #1
Jackson! Dad! (no response; takes out her phone) Oliver, I need your mom to drive me to a Halloween party, now! (pause) Yes, you can come.
***
Oliver, in costume, and Hannah #1 approach Traci's Halloween party.
OLIVER
I can't believe Luanne would tie you up and try to ruin your life. You know, this is gonna' make my date tomorrow night with her a little awkward. (Hannah #1 pulls on his mask) What are you gonna' do when you see her?
HANNAH #1
I'm gonna rip off her wig, and punch her in the nose. Right now, just help me find her. It's not gonna be that, come on, she's gonna be the only one in there that looks exactly like me.
They open the curtains to find that the theme of the party is "Hannah-ween", and all the guests are dressed up with blonde wigs. The Other Side of Me can be heard playing in the background.
HANNAH #1
Oh, boy. (they close the curtain) Yeah, um, this is gonna be a little harder than I thought.
***
Inside the party, Hannah #2 (Luanne) is over at the snack table with Lola.
HANNAH #2
(speaks in southern accent) Oh, boy, these gummy ghouls are better than Pappy's mountain taffy!
LOLA
Man, you've been hanging around your cousin so much you're starting to talk like her. Stop loading up on candy. People are watching!
HANNAH #2
Well of course they are. I'm a celebrity!
Traci, who has a blonde wig, approaches Hannah #2 and Lola.
TRACI
Hannah! (unsuccessful air-kiss) You've been here an hour and you haven't said a word about my little Hannah-ween surprise.
HANNAH #2
Oh, you mean everyone dressed like me? Yeah, it's about as stupid as a vegetarian having breakfast a the Beef N' Waffle.
TRACI
What are you talking about?
HANNAH #2
I'm talking about stupid. Just like your (mocks Traci's voice) stupid little voice. What's the matter, you got some candy corn stuck up in your nozzle?
TRACI
(offended) I have a deviated septum. And I own it! (clicks her fingers and walks away)
LOLA
What is wrong with you? You've been acting weird since we got here, it's like you want the whole party to hat you...(coming to a sudden realisation)...and, oh my gosh, you're Luanne!
HANNAH #2
Well, it took you long enough, Lulu.
LOLA
(eyes squinted) It's Lola.
HANNAH #2
Lilly, Lola, Lula...you might as well just go by Purple Head. (laughs) What do you use for conditioner...(taps Lola's head)...grape jelly? (turns to the waiter) Hey, waiter – fetch me some peanut butter, I'd like to make me a sandwich! (laughs and snorts)
LOLA
I gotta get you out of here before you blow Miley's secret. (starts to drag Luanne out; but Luanne proves strong enough to resist)
HANNAH #2
Well, shut my mouth! I wasn't even thinking about pulling this wig off, till' you done bought it up. That'll really fix her wagon. (pats Lola's head) Good job, gumdrop. (cackles and walks off; Lola follows)
Over at the entrance, Hannah #1 and Oliver enter the party.
OLIVER
I had a dream like this once. Except the room was full of Jessica Simpson's and...I had more than one chest hair.
HANNAH #1
Focus. We have to find the real, fake Hannah!
Lola, thinking that Hannah #1 is Luanne, shoves Oliver out of the way, knocking him into the security guard and grabs Hannah #1 by the elbow.
LOLA
Ha! I got you. I am not gonna let you ruin my best friends life.
HANNAH #1
I am your best friend!
LOLA
You can't fool me with that fake "Miley" accent.
HANNAH #1
I am Miley! I have to go find Luanne.
Hannah #1 goes to walk away, but Lola stops her by grabbing her at the nose...
LOLA
You're not going anywhere without your nose!
HANNAH #1
Owgh...
OLIVER
Lilly. Lilly, she's telling the truth.
LOLA
Oliver, what are you doing here?
HANNAH #1
(Lola is still holding her nose) I needed his mom to drive me here 'cause you and Luanne rode off in my limo!
LOLA
Miley?
HANNAH #1
You think!
LOLA
(releases her grip) Sorry. We gotta find her quick! She's about to rip off her wig and blow your secret.
HANNAH #1
She wouldn't!
LOLA
She would...and she thought of it all herself. Remember, no matter what she says, she's "evil". (they all run off in opposite directions) Looking for Hannah...(pulls aside a girl)...not you.
Cuts to Oliver, who pulls aside a tanned girl.
OLIVER
Not, you...but...(takes off his mask)...hi.
Cuts to Hannah #1, pulling aside an elder woman with a blonde wig on.
HANNAH #1
Not you. But girl, aren't you styling!
Up on the stage, Hannah #2 (Luanne), steps up to the microphone. The music ceases and the partiers gather around. She speaks with a "mild" southern accent.
HANNAH #2
Hey folks, it's me, the real Hannah Montana. I've got a little announcement for ya'll, you guys might want to get out your fancy Hollywood phone cameras for this one. (one man raises his phone)
In the audience, Oliver runs in between Hannah #1 (Miley), and Lola, who are standing watching.
OLIVER
Hey, guys, I found her, she's on stage!
HANNAH #1
(sarcastic) Good work.
HANNAH #2
(on-stage) Hold on, guys, I got a little something stuck in my craw. (she spits and it lands on a bowl) Bingo!
HANNAH #1
Well, she's gonna have a real hard time spitting with my fist in her mouth! (goes to run off; Lola pulls her back)
LOLA
You can't! You get into something with her, she might rip off your wig too.
OLIVER
Have no fear, ladies, the masked musketeer has a plan. (holds up a mini-sword and runs off)
HANNAH #1
Great...my life is in the hands of Count Chesthair. (they follow him backstage)
HANNAH #2
(on-stage) So, argh, lookie here. Ya'll are about to see something you never expected to see. The other side, the other side, the other side of...
As Hannah #2 reaches to pull off her wig, the lights are mysteriously turned off and she is dragged backstage. A few moments later, the lights are turned back on and Traci takes the microphone.
TRACI
(taps on microphone) Oohh, look at that. Magic...and spitting...neat. Why don't we have dessert now? (turning back) Bring out the Hannah banana cream pie!
Cuts to backstage, where Hannah #1 is standing by Oliver, and Hannah #2 is being held by Lola.
HANNAH #1
You are so busted, Luanne!
HANNAH #2
(Lola is holding her) Guys! You grabbed the wrong one in the dark, I'm Miley!
HANNAH #1
Nice try, you backwoods witch. These are my best friends. They're not gonna fall for that. (taps Oliver) Tell her!
OLIVER
(to Lola) You got any idea?
LOLA
Not a clue.
Oliver quickly grabs hold of Hannah #1.
HANNAH #2
Guys, we have got to get her out of here before she reveals my secret.
HANNAH #1
You mean my secret!
OLIVER
Wait a minute, I have an idea. I know to tell which one is the real Miley. Both of you kiss me.
HANNAH #2
OK!
HANNAH #1
...Ewgh...
OLIVER
(releases his grip) That's Miley.
Lola grabs an even tighter hold of Hannah #2, giving her a nasty glare.
***
Miley is sitting on the couch with her dad, after the party that night.
MILEY
And what has all of this taught you?
ROBBY
That parents should believe their kids when they tell them their cousins are evil.
MILEY
And?
ROBBY
That I should always take my cell phone when I leave the house in case my daughter gets tied up in her closet.
MILEY
And?
ROBBY
I'm sorry. But you don't have to worry about it much longer (stands), your uncle's on his way here to pick Luanne up. They'll be gone tomorrow.
MILEY
That doesn't give me much time to get her back!
ROBBY
Like I've always told you, an eye for an eye, makes the whole world blind.
Dontzig, not in good shape, comes running in from the entrance next to the piano. He is wearing his pumpkin suit, trampled.
DONTZIG
Stewart! Stewart, you gotta help me! (runs down) Those candy grabbers are like piranha! They're coming by the bus load, it's like someone put an ad in the paper!
ROBBY
The paper? Oh, that's way too slow. If somebody wanted to get information out fast, they'd just run down Pacific Coast Highway with a bullhorn!
DONTZIG
You didn't.
ROBBY
(grabs bullhorn and speaks through it) Oh yes I did! (pause) Got you! (speaks to the kids at the door) OK, kids, come on down, don't be shy.
DONTZIG
Curse you, Stewart! (as he is chased out the kitchen door by the kids) Curse you!!!
MILEY
Dad, what about revenge making the whole world blind?
ROBBY
I was teaching that to you, it's too late for me!
Jackson comes in through the front door riding on the back of the pony, from Dontzig's yard.
JACKSON
Hey, dad, Dontzig's pony followed me home. Can we keep him? Please? (speaks as if he is the pony) All I need is a really big litter box. (Miley gives Robby a pleading fold of her lips) I'm just gonna take him up to my room, OK? (starts to go)
***
Robby walks over to answer the door as he hears the doorbell.
ROBBY
(calls) Hey, Miley, tell your cousin her daddy's here!
A man who looks identical to Robby opens the door, he speaks with a southern accent.
BOBBY
Put your drawers on, Robby Ray, you're brother's here!
ROBBY
Good to see you too, Bobby Ray.
BOBBY
(whistles) Well, smack my goat and call me stupid, this sure is one humdinger of a shack you got yourself.
Dontzig walks in and stands beside Bobby.
DONTZIG
Stewart, I need that pony back, it's a rental. Hey...hey! Aargh! Two Stewart's!
He screeches continually, stuffing his pockets with candy from the cauldron on the table beside the couch, eventually taking the whole cauldron, as he runs out.
BOBBY
Is that that pain-in-the-keister neighbour you've been telling me about?
ROBBY
Yep.
BOBBY
He sure runs fast, doesn't he?
ROBBY
He sure does.
ROBBY / BOBBY
(looking out after Dontzig) Yee, doogies!
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