We see footage of Hannah Montana performing This Is The Life, live in concert.
ONSCREEN HANNAH
(singing) This is the life, hold on tight. And this is the dream.
ANNOUNCER
Fourteen-year-old sensation Hannah Montana continues her smash tour with another sold-out show tomorrow tonight in
ONSCREEN HANNAH
(continuing) I’m gonna take my time, yeah. I’m still getting it right.
Cuts to the Stewart House, in the living room. Robby Ray and Miley (dressed as Hannah) finish the last line of the song while Fermine works on the dress Hannah’s wearing. Jackson paces in the background, the phone glued to his ear.
ROBBY RAY / HANNAH
(singing) This is the life.
ROBBY RAY
Did you hear that? Sold out in
Robby Ray gives Hannah a high-five. Fermine, who still has a needle in the dress, gets poked in the process.
FERMINE
Ow, ow. Needle in finger. Sharp shooting pain.
HANNAH
Oh, I’m sorry, Fermine.
Robby Ray walks past them into the kitchen, sits down on a stool.
FERMINE
Is okay, I kiss it. (kisses his finger) All better. Alright. Oh, look at you, you look gorgeous. You’re gonna look beautiful in your finale. Do it with me, come on now. (Hannah follows Fermine’s lead) Work it out, work it out, and pop it! (fabric tears) Oh!
HANNAH
Ooh.
FERMINE
Tushy tear. Awkward moment, time to go. Don’t look at my booty!
Fermine heads for the door.
ROBBY RAY
Uh, no danger there, partner.
FERMINE
(leaving through the front door) I love you, Hannah Montana!
Hannah waves goodbye as
(hand covering the phone receiver)
Do you mind? I am on the phone here, all right? I got a life too, you know. And I would appreciate it if I could have one conversation without hearing the words, Hannah Montana. (puts the phone back up to his ear) Yeah, that’s right, girl, I know Hannah Montana. And I got two incredible tickets for tomorrow night. Great. Well, see you then. (hangs up, then to Miley) I need two incredible seats for tomorrow night.
HANNAH
Sorry, I’m sold out.
Dad!
ROBBY RAY
Hey, think about it this way, Miley. He goes out with the girl, they fall in love, they get married, he moves out.
HANNAH
(gives a thumbs-up) You’ve got the tickets. (the phone rings, and she punches the speaker button) Hello?
LILLY (V/O)
Hey, it’s me, landing in 20 seconds!
HANNAH
Great! Lilly alert in 18 seconds! (takes of the Hannah wig and tosses it to Robby Ray)
(throwing her coat over her) She’s your best friend, Miley. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to tell her you’re Hannah Montana.
MILEY
(darting toward the kitchen) I pick later!
ROBBY RAY
Nine seconds. Get the juice!
MILEY
(heading for the fridge) Got it!
ROBBY RAY
Good.
ROBBY RAY
Three….
(opening the front door) Two….
MILEY
(closing the fridge) One!
LILLY
(zooming in on her skateboard) Guess who just landed two tickets to the hottest concert in town? (stops in front of Miley) Miley, you and I, I being your best friend, are going to see the one, the only, Hannah Montana! Whoo! You’re not screaming. Why aren’t you screaming?
(sitting over on the steps with Robby Ray) Oh, believe me, she’s screaming on the inside.
Lilly gives one last whoop to a horrified-looking Miley.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Miley and Lilly make their way to the condiment island in the
LILLY
I just don’t get it, why won’t you go to the concert with me?
MILEY
It’s just that, um…I really want to spend some quality time with my brother.
LILLY
Quality time with your brother? (Miley nods) Okay, if you don’t want to tell me, I guess there’s nothing I can do except, go through life wondering what I did to deserve being hurt so badly by my –
MILEY
Oh, just stop. I just can’t go, okay?
LILLY
Okay. That’s fine.
JOHNNY
(walking over) Hey, Miley. How’s it going?
Miley stares off into space but is jolted back to reality by a punch from Lilly.
MILEY
Um, pretty good! Just getting some ketchup for my veggie burger. I see you like mayonnaise. Never tried that on a veggie burger! And maybe I should, but, not today because then the ketchup would go all over the –
LILLY
(simultaneously) Miley. Miley. Miley. Miley!
Miley stops to realize she’s gone a little overboard on squirting ketchup, and her hand is now covered with the red stuff. Johnny just stares.
MILEY
You know, what a lot of people don’t know is-is…(thinking)…it’s also a wonderful moisturizer.
Miley grabs Johnny’s hand and smoothes some ketchup over it.
MILEY
Here. Isn’t that lovely?
JOHNNY
Moisturizer? You’re pretty funny.
A disappointed watches as Johnny stares at his hand in newfound amazement.
JOHNNY
Oh, my hand does feel softer….
LILLY
(staring after Johnny) Wow.
MILEY
(wiping off the ketchup) I know. He is so hot, and I’m so lame!
LILLY
Hey, he’s the one that believed ketchup was a moisturizer. (Miley gives her a look) Miley, you’ve been totally crushing on Johnny Collins for months! He thought you were funny. This is your chance, he’s sitting right there (points to him), let’s move!
MILEY
I just can’t do it.
LILLY
(sighing) Yes you can. Miley, you’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re totally cute. And now, (removes her bracelet from her wrist) you have my lucky bracelet. (puts it on Miley’s)
MILEY
(nodding) Okay.
LILLY
Wait! Booger check.
MILEY
(tilting her head upward) You are so gross!
LILLY
All clear, good to go!
Miley and Lilly walk over to where Johnny’s sitting with his friends and pull out two chairs.
JOHNNY
(talking to a buddy) Seriously, dude, it really does soften your skin.
Before Miley and Lilly can sit down, Amber and Ashley dash over and steal their seats.
AMBER
(sitting right next to Johnny) Hi, Johnny.
Johnny looks to Amber and smiles politely. Miley stares in disbelief, while Lilly eyes the both of them.
LILLY
(feigning sweetness) Hey, Amber, Ashley. (Amber and Ashley look) We were gonna sit there!
AMBER
(rolling her eyes) Well, isn’t that just too bad.
ASHLEY
Oh, but don’t worry. There are seats over there by the trash cans. (she points, then together with Amber) At the Losers Table. Ooh! (they touch fingers, mimicking a sizzle)
Lilly rolls her eyes in disgust.
MILEY
Um, hey, Amber? I think it might be time to pluck the stash. (motioning to her face)
LILLY
And Ashley…(peering closer)…is that a zit or are you growing a new head?
Amber and Ashley stare in confusion.
MILEY / LILLY
(moving their faces closer, squinting) Gross! Ooh! (copying Amber and Ashley’s signature sizzle)
Amber and Ashley self-consciously take out their hand mirrors, as Miley and Lilly leave to sit at an empty table.
LILLY
Okay, we didn’t get those seats. Minor set-back. But the good news is we have better seats for Hannah Montana!
MILEY
I’m sorry, it’s just that…(thinking)…I don’t like Hannah Montana.
LILLY
(glares) What?
Oliver enters the cafeteria, passing a couple girls.
OLIVER
Hi, baby, how you doing? (passes Amber and Ashley’s table) Oliver Oken, and may I say, you two – are smokin’!
AMBER
Ugh, in your dreams.
OLIVER
I’m counting on that. (passes another table occupied by one girl – he steals a fry) Hey, slick. (walks past yet another girl) Hey….(she looks away in disgust, Oliver is unfazed) Oh, yeah. She wants me. (he finally sits down at Miley and Lilly’s table)
LILLY
Oliver, you’re not going to believe this. Miley says she doesn’t like Hannah Montana!
OLIVER
(eyes wide, standing up) What? (Miley looks at him, he sits back down) Hannah Montana is a goddess! I worship at her feet! In fact, FYI – someday I’m going to be Mr. Hannah Montana. (Miley raises her eyebrows) I’m gonna watch over her every minute of the day…protect her from any obsessed fans…every night, I’ll shampoo and condition that beautiful, blonde hair.
MILEY
Oliver, I say this because I care about you. (raising her voice) Get some help!
LILLY
Miley, don’t make me go see my favorite singer without my best friend. If you don’t take this ticket, I’m going to end up going to the concert with Mr. Hannah Montana. (points at Oliver)
OLIVER
(standing again) You have an extra ticket to Hannah Montana! (the entire cafeteria turns in their direction – he sinks low in his chair) That was really loud, wasn’t it?
They disappear from view as their table is swarmed by rabid Hannah Montana fans.
***
Back at the Stewart house,
Hey, Dad? (Robby Ray looks up) I’m really nervous about my date, and well, I’m just gonna say this. There is nobody in the world whose advice I trust and respect more than you.
ROBBY RAY
Son, I’m not loaning you money. (pats him on the back)
What…? Is-is that what you think this is about? Dad, I-I, I, I am hurt. (Robby looks at him) This has nothing to do with borrowing money from you. I was actually kind of hoping more for an outright gift.
ROBBY RAY
I gave you the gift of life, son. Don’t push it.
A frazzled and disheveled-looking Miley walks in the front door.
ROBBY RAY
(moving toward her) Honey, what happened?
MILEY
(throws her backpack on the couch) Hannah Montana happened.
ROBBY RAY
You mean the kids at school found out?
MILEY
No. (she sits next to him on the stairs) This was just about a ticket to see Hannah Montana. What if they found out I was Hannah Montana. No one would treat me the same.
ROBBY RAY
I bet Lilly would.
MILEY
Are you kidding? She’s Hannah’s biggest fan. If she knew the truth…I’d never be just Miley again.
ROBBY RAY
Oh, baby doll….
MILEY
(standing) I’m taking a walk on the beach.
ROBBY RAY
Now, hold on just a minute. (she waits) First, let’s get this french fry out of your hair before the seagulls attack you. (he starts untangling the fry) Boy, that sucker is in there too. Second of all, I know you’re concerned that if Lilly finds out the truth that she won’t treat you the same, but she’s still your best bud. You need to trust that. At least think about telling her?
MILEY
(pretends to nod thoughtfully) Okay. Not gonna happen. (she walks out the side door)
(moving closer) Dad, I can only hope that when I’m a father, I can give my children –
ROBBY RAY
No money!
Didn’t think so. (takes the fry, eats it)
***
Hannah Montana performs This Is The Life live at the
HANNAH
(singing) This is the life, hold on tight. And this is the dream, it’s all I need. You never know where you’ll find it. And I’m gonna take my time, yeah. I’m still getting it right. This is the life. (audience cheers) Thank you,
Outside Hannah Montana’s hotel room, she stands before a long line of fans, writing her name on the forehead of the girl at the front. Robby Ray stands behind her as bodyguard, wearing a hat, sunglasses, and mustache as his disguise.
HANNAH
Hannah Mon-tan-a…. There you go!
FAN
Thank you…!
HANNAH
(seeing Johnny next in line) Hey, Jo-just another fan!
JOHNNY
Hi. Um…could you sign this to Johnny? It’s not me, it’s my little brother. He really likes you. N-not that I don’t, I do, but, you know, he wanted me to get it, so I’m getting it. So, yeah, if you could just sign that to…Johnny. My little brother.
HANNAH
(finishes autograph) There you go.
JOHNNY
Thanks.
HANNAH
Hey, really soft hands.
JOHNNY
Thanks, it’s ketchup. (pauses) Bye.
ROBBY RAY
(stepping forward) Thanks guys, be sure and pick up a record and T-shirt in the lobby. (closes the door behind them)
HANNAH
He is so cute!
ROBBY RAY
Honey, at your age, there’s only two things that are cute – squirrels and little puppy dogs. Hoo! I tell you what, I hate wearing this thing. (tears off the mustache) It’s like kissing your Great Aunt Clara. (they both shiver) Hey, great show tonight. I’ll go check on the limo. Your mama would have been so proud of you.
HANNAH
Thanks, Dad.
Robby Ray leaves the room, and Hannah enters the bathroom, closing the door behind her. We see the window slide open – revealing Lilly outside.
LILLY
Higher, Oliver, I’m almost in!
OLIVER
There is no higher. You’re already standing on my head!
LILLY
Jump, you idiot, jump!
Oliver gives a little jump, and Lilly hoists herself up the windowsill. She grabs the chandelier and swings into the room.
LILLY
Not good! (knocking over a vase) Oops. (jumps to the floor) And she sticks the landing! (runs to the table of food, grabs a hot dog) Hannah Montana’s hot dogs! (eyes moving across the room, she grabs the nearby scarf) Hannah Montana’s scarf!
Lilly rummages in dresser drawers with her back turned. Hannah comes out of the bathroom, towel in hand.
LILLY
(turning around) HANNAH
Hannah stops, throws her hands over her face as they both screech.
HANNAH
Whoever you are, you have to get out of her right now, or I’m calling security!
LILLY
Wait, wait, no, I’m sorry! I was just looking for a souvenir. My name’s Lilly Truscott, and I’m a HUGE fan.
Hannah stops at the food table, looks at the pie. Lilly watches in shock, as she picks up the pie – and slaps it against her face.
LILLY
Did you just shove pie in your face?
HANNAH
(bringing the towel to her face) It’s not a real pie. It’s, um…a foamy facial wash…pie. (moving behind the clothing rack)
LILLY
(following) What’s wrong with your voice?
HANNAH
Um, that happens after every concert. (moving the rack)
LILLY
(spreading clothes apart) You give so much. I just wish Miley were here.
HANNAH
(hidden behind the moving rack) Uh, Miley, who’s Miley? I don’t know Miley, that’s a strange name.
LILLY
(trying to catch a glimpse) Oh, she’s my best friend.
HANNAH
(stops, shoves clothing to opposite sides) Right! (dashes out, opens the door) Well, then, why don’t you go get her?
LILLY
Great idea, I’ll call her.
HANNAH
(shuts the door) No! You know, cell phones don’t really work in here, it has to do with the walls and the cement, and….
The Hannah phone rings.
HANNAH
Okay…they must have fixed it.
LILLY
(looking at the phone) Aren’t you gonna get that?
HANNAH
Uh-uh, no, I’m talking to you, that would be rude.
Lilly still has her phone glued to her ear, clueless. Hannah’s cell continues to ring.
HANNAH
(slamming Lilly’s cell shut) Okay, she’s not home.
Hannah’s cell stops ringing.
LILLY
Woah, that was weird.
HANNAH
Uh, why don’t I just get you an autograph for her.
OLIVER (V/O)
What about me?
Hannah looks toward the window to see Oliver’s hand clinging to the sill.
OLIVER
(climbing up) I’m the one who loves you! (seeing Hannah’s pie-stained face) You’re much paler in person.
HANNAH
Yeah, I am, you know what - gosh, it was really fun meeting you guys, but I really gotta go.
OLIVER
Wait! (Hannah and Lilly turn) Can’t I at least shampoo and condition your beautiful blonde hair?
HANNAH
No! (rushes to the window) But you can take this towel! (tosses it to him)
OLIVER
Hannah Montana’s towel…. (yells as he slips and falls to the ground below)
OLIVER
It’s okay! None of my blood got on the towel!
Hannah opens the door for Lilly.
LILLY
Well, I guess I’m leaving too….
HANNAH
(motions out the door) Okay….
LILLY
Without even a towel as a souvenir….
HANNAH
Buh-bye…!
LILLY
Nothing but my memories… (sighs) which will fade too, too quickly….
HANNAH
Alright, alright! (picks up her scarf) Here.
LILLY
Oh, my, gosh…! The actual scarf you wore on the actual stage! I can’t believe it, this is so – (stops, looks at Hannah’s arm) Hey, I have a lucky bracelet just like that! I loaned it to my best friend yesterday, ‘course, mine says, “Lilly” on the back – (stops again) Just like that.
Lilly looks at Hannah’s face, smears away the pie cream.
HANNAH
Ta-da…?
***
Miley (still dressed as Hannah) and Lilly sit on the couch in the hotel room.
HANNAH
Lilly, I know you’re upset I didn’t tell you. But you cannot just freeze me out like this. Please talk to me.
LILLY
I thought we were friends. I thought we told each other everything. But I guess I was wrong, since you kept just about the biggest secret in the world, Miley Stewart-SLASH-Hannah Montana!
HANNAH
Okay, well, other than that, did you enjoy the concert?
Cuts to
That’s right, I happen to be real tight with Hannah Montana. (opens the room door) Hey, Hannah, thought my lady here could use a little souvenir.
HANNAH
(throws a toilet paper roll at him)
(catching the toilet paper, hands it to his girl) For you. Told you we were tight. (sends Miley a glare before leaving)
LILLY
(getting up) I am so out of here.
HANNAH
(chasing her out) Lilly, please, wait! (they stop outside the room)
HANNAH
I wanted to tell you. It’s just that…I was afraid.
LILLY
Afraid of what?
HANNAH
I don’t know, I thought, maybe once you knew, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. And, you’d like Hannah Montana more than you like me.
LILLY
That’s what you thought? That could never happen, Miley, don’t you know that?
HANNAH
Yeah. I do. Okay! No more secrets. And to prove it, I’m going to show you something I’ve never shown to any other friend.
***
At the Stewart house, Miley leads Lilly toward her bedroom closet.
MILEY
Wait ‘till you see this! (opens her closet door, bringing Lilly inside)
LILLY
Why am I standing in your closet?
MILEY
Because behind my closet is…. (pushes aside the clothes on the rack)
MILEY
My closet! (opens the door behind)
Lilly stares in amazement at the huge walk-in closet before them, filled with all kinds of elaborate shoes and dresses.
LILLY
It’s like a dream…a beautiful, beautiful dream! (spots a pair of boots, rushes over, and picks them up) Okay, dream’s over. I’ve got to have these!
MILEY
Wait, there’s more!
LILLY
Another closet?
Miley presses a button, and a rack of shoes emerges fully from the wall.
LILLY
What size shoe do you wear?
MILEY
I’m a 5.
LILLY
I’m a 6, but I’ll squeeze! (grinning at Miley) Wait ‘till Amber and Ashley find out.
MILEY
What?
LILLY
Well, we have to tell them. Here’s my cell. (hands her the phone, then jumps up to the clothing carousel and holds a dress in front of her) Take a picture of me in Hannah Montana’s clothes!
MILEY
No! No one else can see this stuff.
LILLY
Are you crazy, why not?
MILEY
Once people know I’m Hannah, they won’t treat me the same.
LILLY
That’s the point. I’m talking mega-popularity here for both of us! Think about Johnny Collins. He’d be yours if he knew.
MILEY
No!
LILLY
How can you be so selfish? Whoa! (she accidentally pushes the button, and the clothing rack starts turning) If you were really my best friend, you’d want this for me!
MILEY
If you were my best friend, you’d understand why I can’t do it.
LILLY
Come on, cut me some slack, Hannah.
MILEY
“Hannah?” I knew this would happen! (stomping down to sit on the stairs)
LILLY
Did I say Hannah? I didn’t mean that. It was a mistake.
MILEY
No, the mistake was trusting you.
***
Jackson is with Robby Ray in the kitchen, while he makes himself an ice cream sundae.
That girl tonight really dug me, Dad. I think it was the guns. (flexing his arms)
An angry Lilly comes down the stairs.
ROBBY RAY
Hey, Lilly. I think things are going to be a whole lot better around here, now that you know our little secret.
Lilly slams the back door on her way out.
Did you see the way she ignored you? I’m sorry, but that is no way to treat a man of your compassion, sensitivity –
Robby Ray squirts a gob of whipped cream in his mouth.
(mouthful of whipped cream) Still no money?
Miley stomps in, takes Robby Ray’s bowl of ice cream.
MILEY
(mashing into the bowl with a spoon) I am so mad!
ROBBY RAY
So you’re gonna take it out on my ice cream sundae? You wanna talk about it?
MILEY
No!
ROBBY RAY
Okay.
Robby Ray and Jackson burst into a song parody of Bad To The Bone.
ROBBY RAY
You had a fight (na-na-na-na)
She left your place (na-na-na-na)
And now you sit and stuff your face
You got the processed-sugar blues
MILEY
Stop! That’s the worst song you’ve ever written!
She obviously doesn’t remember the potty-training song.
ROBBY RAY
I like to sing
I like to dance
ROBBY RAY / JACKSON
But I can’t do it with poopy in my pants
MILEY
Dad! This is so not funny. Everything I was afraid that would happen, happened. She found out who I was, and now it’s ruined everything.
ROBBY RAY
You don’t know that for sure, Mile. Things could change. Just give it some time. Group hug. (holds arms out)
MILEY /
Gotta go. (they both leave, Robby Ray squirting a gob of whipped cream into his mouth)
***
Next day in the Stewart living room, Fermine watches as
FERMINE
Turn.
(turns) I don’t know. I think it makes me look a little big around the hips.
FERMINE
Please, let’s not blame the dress.
Miley and Robby Ray come through the front door, arms full of groceries.
MILEY
Hey guys, sorry we’re….
ROBBY RAY
Yee, doggies!
MILEY
Daddy, he’s finally cracked.
ROBBY RAY
You know what, son? I like it, but I don’t think it goes with the shoes.
Okay, fine, you, you take your little cracks. But, but you weren’t here, (motions to Miley) and Fermine needed help with the dress, and he said he’d pay me. So this is what you get. (throws up his arms)
MILEY
(covering her nose) Next time try something with sleeves and deodorant.
If you got it, flaunt it! Which reminds me, I’ve got a little blue sequined number waiting for me. Enjoy! (tosses her the Hannah wig and leaves)
ROBBY RAY
(wallet out) Okay, Fermine, how much do I owe you?
FERMINE
Kid works cheap. He did it for twenty dollars.
MILEY
Daddy, you made him do that?
ROBBY RAY
Hey, the boy said he needed some money. I thought I might as well get a chuckle out of it.
A skateboard comes sliding through the house. Robby Ray stops it with his foot, and they see Lilly at the front door.
ROBBY RAY
Lilly alert. (to Fermine) Hey, Fermine, why don’t we step out onto the patio and give these girls some privacy?
FERMINE
Okay, but I’m going to need some sunscreen. My skin is like a baby’s bottom.
ROBBY RAY
Little too much information, Cowboy. (sets a cowboy hat on Fermine’s head)
FERMINE
Oh, look at me! Giddy up, pardner. Yippee ki-yay! Giddy up. Yippee ki-yay.
LILLY
(head poking through the door) Hey, can I talk to you?
MILEY
Who? Miley or Hannah?
LILLY
(standing) Miley.
MILEY
(walking away) Well she’s not talking to you right now!
LILLY
Wait, Miley. I’m sorry I called you Hannah. That was major news! You got to give me a little time to get used to it.
MILEY
What happens if you can’t? What about the next time you get dissed by Amber and Ashley? Are you sure you won’t want to tell ‘em?
LILLY
Of course I’ll want to, but I won’t. And you know why? Because you’re my best friend. And when I was sitting in my room all upset, you’re the one I wanted to talk to, not Hannah Montana. Well, I guess I’ve said everything. So, see ya.
LILLY
(walking away, slowly) Here I go, headed for the door, after making the best apology I could possibly think of, (looks back for a second) still hoping she forgives me. Halfway there.
MILEY
You are such a drama queen.
MILEY / LILLY
Hugs?
The two friends hug. Jackson comes downstairs, dressed in another Hannah Montana outfit.
I am so not getting paid enough for this.
MILEY
(eyes wide) Neither am I.
***
At the school cafeteria, Amber and Ashley sit at their table.
AMBER
We were in the first row, and -
ASHLEY
- Hannah smiled right at us.
AMBER
She really did.
Miley, Lilly, and Oliver walk by their table.
OLIVER
Big deal! You see this towel? She gave it to me, in her dressing room. She really did.
AMBER
Uh, yeah, and she gave me this sandwich. (holds up her sandwich)
AMBER / ASHLEY
You’re pathetic. Oooh! (mimicking a sizzle)
OLIVER
It’s true!
LILLY
Ignore them, Oliver. They’re not worth it.
MILEY
Wait a minute, he’s telling the truth. And she gave Lilly something, too.
LILLY
What are you doing?
MILEY
You’ll see.
ASHLEY
That’s Hannah Montana’s scarf.
AMBER
From the concert.
MILEY
Yeah, Hannah gave it to her.
LILLY
But you know what? You guys are much cooler than me. You should have it.
AMBER
Oh, my gosh.
ASHLEY
Hey! I want that! (they play tug-of-war with the scarf)
OLIVER
Why did you do that?
MILEY
I think I know. Hey, everybody!
MILEY / LILLY
It’s Hannah Montana’s scarf!
Amber and Ashley shriek as the entire cafeteria swarms over them.
MILEY / LILLY
Ooh! (mimicking the sizzle)
***
Hannah
well great hahaha
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