In the Stewart kitchen, Robby is at the table holding up a fish. Jackson is at the fridge.
ROBBY
Look at the size of this bad boy! He put up quite a battle, too. It was him, then it was me, then it was him, then it was me...
JACKSON
Dad, you got him at the fish mart!
ROBBY
Yeah, but you should've seen the size of the lady that tried to take him from me. It was her, then it was me, then it was...
JACKSON
All right, all right, dad, I get it!
Jackson sits down at the table.
ROBBY
(to the fish) So what's it 'gonna be, Bucky? Pan fried, or barbeque?
JACKSON
Dad, remember what we said about naming the fish.
ROBBY
(flings the fish in Jacksons' face) What?
JACKSON
It makes them a little harder to eat...
Miley comes racing downstairs to Robby's side.
MILEY
Dad, I know I have mid-terms Monday, but the new Ashton Kutcher movie is previewing tonight. How many "prettys" do I need to put before please for you to let me go?
ROBBY
Well...
MILEY
Pretty, pretty, pretty...pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, please, dad, please!
ROBBY
Whoa!
MILEY
I can go?
ROBBY
No, you can stop! You know you gotta' study.
MILEY
Yes dad, but if you think about it, mid-terms are a halfway to finals, so I only need to study about as half as hard. And since I study twice as hard as everybody else, I only need to study a quarter. So I'm done. See how that works?
ROBBY
No...and you know what, I'm the dad, and you lose, see how that works?
JACKSON
You see little sister, dad as a single parent, is just trying to make sure that you have the proper guidance. And I for one commend him on his commitment to education. (pats Robby on the back)
ROBBY
Son, I'm glad you see it that way. Because, I'm committing you to staying home and studying this weekend, too. (pats Jackson on the back)
MILEY
Ha, ha!
JACKSON
But my mid-terms were last week!
ROBBY
Yeah, no kidding, I had to wrap the fish in something, see? (holds up the fish that now has a test paper with a C- grade wrapped around it)
MILEY
Minus!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Miley is sitting on the couch reading a book, as Jackson is following Robby into the kitchen.
JACKSON
I know dad, but what I'm saying is...(takes some change from the bench)...who really needs history? It's so...yesterday. And I'm about the future!
ROBBY
Yeah, and so am I. And right now, I see you at 35, living with me, no job, still stealing my change off the counter.
Robby holds out his palm, and Jackson dumps some coins into it. Robby whistles and he empties another pocket of coins onto his palm.
ROBBY
This is a book. Go forth and learn...(hands Jackson a book)
MILEY
(to Jackson) Remember my, um...ha, ha from before? I now add one more "ha", making it a full, "ha, ha"... wait for it … "ha"!
ROBBY
Anybody seen my PDA?
MILEY
Here...(hands it to Robby)
ROBBY
Thanks.
MILEY
Now, dad, I...I know you already said no, but I've been studying a lot since then. I sneezed a while ago, and algebra came out.
ROBBY
Well next time, sneeze a little smart on your brother. He could use all the help he can get! (starts for the door) I'm heading out for my meeting, I should be back around eleven, I'll be on my cell if anybody needs me, so...try not to need me. (pause; stands at the door) I don't know...you guys think I'm being to tough on 'ya?
JACKSON / MILEY
Yeah!
ROBBY
Good, then that means I'm doing my job right! (winks at them and walks out) Study hard now.
***
As Hannah Montana's song, Pumpin' Up the Party plays in the background, we see a sequence of footage of Miley and Jackson goofing off while they are supposed to be studying. As the sequence comes to an end, we see Jackson drawing a smiley face on his stomach, and Miley flipping off the couch.
MILEY
Wow...eight minutes already... ?
JACKSON
(walking over pressing on his belly button) Yup...time to turn in. Good thing I'm not an outtie! (laughs; as the doorbell rings)
MILEY
Cover him up, we've got company.
JACKSON
Oh, she don't like me...(walks off)
Miley opens the door, Oliver and Lilly come rushing in.
OLIVER
So what's the deal, your dad say yes or no?
LILLY
Yeah, let's get those feet moving, my mom's in the car grooving to the oldies and it's getting uglier by the decade!
MILEY
Lilly, my dad said no...
LILLY
You think he said no, he really said go. No, go...it's a mistake anybody could make, come on.
MILEY
(resisting Lilly's pull) I just can't go!
OLIVER
(now sitting on a couch) I heard Ashton Kutcher's gonna' be there.
MILEY
OK, now you're just being cruel! But that's good, it's working, keep going!
LILLY
(with a devious voice) Do it, do it! Ashton, do it!
MILEY
(shivers) Just one more time...
LILLY
Do it!
MILEY
OK!
LILLY
OK, now all we gotta' do, is sneak you out without Jackson knowing.
Over in the kitchen, Jackson has the straw from a soft drink can poking into his belly button, where the face is drawn on.
JACKSON
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
MILEY
He'll never notice...he's got a friend over. (whispers into Lilly's ear)
LILLY
Gotcha'.
OLIVER
I didn't hear, got what?
LILLY
Milk! I'll tell you in the car, come on! (directed at Jackson) Well, gotta' go!
OLIVER
Straight home to drink some milk. (to Lilly) How am I doing?
LILLY
(fake laughter) Shut up! (ushers Oliver out)
Miley walks over to Jackson, who is still goofing around with the face on his stomach.
MILEY
Well, I'm just gonna' go upstairs and study.
JACKSON
Well, I'm just gonna' stay down here and not care.
Miley runs upstairs. Jackson's mobile rings, and he goes to answer it, pulling down his shirt.
JACKSON
Oh, yeah, big dawg! (barks) What's up, Cooper?
Through their conversation, it randomly cuts from Jackson's current position in his house, and Cooper on duty at the cinema.
COOPER
Hey, check this out J-Man, I just found out that...(a cinema customer shows Cooper a ticket)...wait, hold on a sec...theatre three? I'm guessing it's very close to theatre two! Can't you see I'm on the phone? (the customer walks off) I swear, people get dumber and dumber every day.
JACKSON
Hello, you're costing me minutes here!
COOPER
You gotta' get down here. And I'm telling you this on the DL, see...(to an elderly lady walking past)...keep the walker moving, lady, if you were supposed to hear it would be on the speakerphone! (the woman walks off) There is a very hot rumour that Mr Ashton Kutcher is dropping by here tonight.
JACKSON
And I should care about this, because?
COOPER
Because, this place is going to be crawling with fine ladies trying to get next to Ashton. And when they can't find him...(Jackson says the same on his side)...they'll settle for us! Oh, yes! (just Cooper speaks now) Don't you feel me on this?
JACKSON
I don't know, Coop...I mean, if I split, Miley's just gonna' tell my dad. (running to the staircase) Of course...she is in her room for the rest of the night. (a ladder is rolled down outside on the porch and Miley comes crawling down, Jackson has his back to it all) And she's such a goody-goody little Miss Perfect, always kissing up to dad. Just once in her life you'd think she'd go out on a limb or something. But will she? Mm-mm! Because she is gutless! You know what…(Miley mimes a punch at Jackson from behind, poking her tongue out as she walks off) ...she won't even know that I'm gone. I just talked me into it!
***
Jackson and Cooper are walking along the hallway at the cinema, checking out the girls hanging about.
JACKSON
Cooper, you are a genius! It's like cheerleader tryouts.
COOPER
Right, except we don't have to wear those itchy-man sweaters, or do the splits. You know, I still can't ride a bike...
JACKSON
Oh, the things we do for love...
JACKSON / COOPER
Oh, yeah! (secret "guy" handshake)
COOPER
Now, how to proceed is the question.
JACKSON
Watch and learn...
Jackson walks over to a group of girls and raises his phone to his ears.
JACKSON
Hey, Ashton! Mr Kutcher! ...my man! The Kutchinator! Kutchy, kutchy you! (pause) What's that, my close, personal friend...? Come to your party tonight? Sure...I'll just find myself a little hottie, and we will party like it's...(beeping comes from his phone)...Hello? Hey, Barry, can I maybe give you a call back...
The girls walk off as they figure out that Jackson wasn't actually on the phone.
JACKSON
Ladies!
COOPER
Very smooth...you know, I was watching and learning, and what I learned was...that I should not have watched.
JACKSON
All right...have a little patience my man, it's just a minor set-back. Aarghh...prepare to be impressed...(he walks over towards two girls that he is unaware are actually Miley and Lilly)...So, Mr Kutcher! The Kutchking! Volcanic Ash...
Miley and Lilly turn around, and she and Jackson both step back and scream as soon as they lay eyes on each other.
COOPER
Oh, at this rate, I've got a better chance with the lady with the walker...I bet she hasn't passed theatre five yet...(walks off)
JACKSON
(to Miley) What are you doing here?
MILEY
Me? What about you!
JACKSON / MILEY
(at each other) I'm telling dad! No, you're not ... !
JACKSON
Because we're not really here right now...
MILEY
Right…(pause)...but dad is!
They look over and see their dad, Robby, standing by the cinema door by himself, looking at his phone and holding a bucket of popcorn.
JACKSON
Oohh!
Jackson, Miley and Lilly run for cover behind a cardboard poster for an upcoming movie.
JACKSON
(reciting what how he will justify himself) What can I say, dad? She snuck out, I followed her here, I'm just as disappointed as you are.
MILEY
What are you doing?
JACKSON
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting ready to sell you out.
MILEY
Listen buster, if I go down, I'm taking you with me! (peeps her head up) What's he doing here, he said he had a meeting. (pops back down as Robby looks over)
LILLY
All right, just calm down. All we have to do is wait till' he goes in. He'll never know you were here!
Oliver is walking towards the cardboard poster, calling for his friends.
OLIVER
Lilly? Miley?
Oliver is pulled back behind the cardboard poster.
LILLY
Miley's dad's here!
OLIVER
Great! (goes to walk out; but is pulled back in)
MILEY
He doesn't know we're here, and we're going to try to keep it that way.
But the cardboard they have been leaning on flaps back, leaving them exposed to Robby.
LILLY
I don't think we're off to a good start!
They quickly stand the cardboard back up, and hide down. Robby approaches nearby movie signs. Miley pops up.
MILEY
We have gotta' get out of here! (she is hauled back down)
Robby looks at the cardboard poster...and as he turns away, they scurry the poster away, stepping over Miley's bag.
MILEY
Wait, my bag!
They scurry back over and Miley grabs up her bag. Robby backs off, taking out his phone and dialling in Jackson's number...as another cinema-goer walks by the cardboard poster, he sees the kids' faces, and they act as though they are part of the advertisement. Jackson's phone rings. They all crouch down again.
MILEY
Don't answer it, keep moving!
JACKSON
I have to answer it, he thinks we're at home. (raises the phone to his ears) Hey, dad, we're home...
MILEY
Studying at home.
JACKSON
Where we are, home.
MILEY
Sweet home!
MILEY / JACKSON
Home!
ROBBY
Yeah, I just called to check in on you guys, and let you know that whatever is you're doing that you don't want me to know you're doing, stop doing it. Study hard now, bye. (hangs up the phone)
While talking on his mobile, he has paced to the other side of the cinema, forcing the kids into shifting their cardboard cover around so as to block Robby's view of them.
MILEY
I hate lying to him.
LILLY
You're on your hands and knees in a movie theatre. The honesty ship has sailed!
OLIVER
I just can't figure out one thing. (to Lilly) Why are we hiding?
LILLY
Oh, Oliver, you naïve, simple boy...(pause)...with a very good point! Best of luck!
Oliver and Lilly get up and run off, passing a woman of about Robby's age, as they do so.
MILEY
Perfect. Could this night get any worse?
JACKSON
(now standing) Depends on how you feel about that...
Miley stands up as well, and they look over to see that the woman Lilly and Oliver passed, is meeting up with Robby for a date!
MILEY
I don't believe it.
JACKSON
I know...the old man can get a date and I can't?
Miley and Jackson watch, as Robby and the woman go into the cinema together.
***
Miley and Jackson are back at home, in the kitchen. Miley is pacing around, and Jackson is sitting at the table with a sandwich.
MILEY
Why would dad do this? Why did he go on a date and not tell us?
JACKSON
(through a mouthful) I don't know.
MILEY
Please stop stuffing your face!
JACKSON
I'm eating away the pain.
MILEY
Doesn't this bother you?
JACKSON
Miley, it's been three years. He's probably lonely.
MILEY
Well, then we'll get him a puppy! I hear him...(they start for the door)
JACKSON
Look, just remember, that...that whatever happens, he can't know we were there. So just play it cool.
MILEY
I will, I will, he won't suspect a thing.
Robby enters.
MILEY
Where have you been? We agreed, home by eleven, and it's...
ROBBY
(looking down at his watch) Eleven-o-three.
MILEY
Exactly! Three minutes of pure agony.
JACKSON
Yes, but the important thing is, that while you were out, we weren't.
MILEY
Right...and you were at, um...a meeting. (approaching Robby) How did that go?
ROBBY
Fine. (starts for the kitchen)
MILEY
Fine? One syllable? That's all I get?
ROBBY
OK, it was...really fine. Three syllables, keep the change.
MILEY
Daddy, you're always taking about how we don't share enough, and you're right. We should, starting now. You go first!
ROBBY
OK...it was a very productive meeting, and who knows, in time it could amount to a little "som'n-som'n". (Jackson and Miley eye each other)
JACKSON
Like what-what?
ROBBY
I don't know. You know how if you talk about things to early, it might jinx it. (starts for upstairs) But don't worry, if it keeps going the way it's going, I'll tell you all about it. (embraces them on the shoulders) Love you, guys. (kisses Miley's head) Goodnight! (turns upstairs)
JACKSON
Goodnight, dad.
MILEY
Love you, too. (as Robby has gone) Well, great, this is terrible, he's happy!
***
The following morning, Miley sits down opposite Lilly at the kitchen table.
MILEY
I just wish I knew something about this woman. What does she do for a living? Does she have any kids? Any dogs? A sound-proof basement where no one can hear our scream? I don't even know here name.
Jackson is now standing at their side with Robby's PDA in his hand.
JACKSON
Margo Diamond.
MILEY
What?
JACKSON
"Movie Saturday night. Margo Diamond." (Miley takes the PDA) Hey, isn't she that real estate lady, you know, the one on the bus bench in front of the library?
LILLY
Your dad's dating a homeless real estate lady? Wow, that's weird, she sells houses, but she doesn't have one.
JACKSON
I meant the ad on the bench, Miss Einstein.
LILLY
This is perfect, now you can go meet her. Jackson can drive you.
JACKSON
Let me paint you guys a little picture here. (takes an apple and an orange and switches voices as he waves the fruits) Hi, I'm Miley Stewart...(girlish chuckle)...and I'm her brother Jackson, and we snuck out to the movies last night and saw you that you were on a date with our father. Now, why are we telling you this? (to Miley) Out of some insane desire to wanna' get caught and be grounded for the rest of our natural lives!
MILEY
OK, how come you always get to be the apple?
LILLY
Wait a minute, Bellybutton boy makes sense.
MILEY
OK, maybe you are right. Maybe we can't go down there and talk to her. But I no somebody who can...
***
Jackson, with sunglasses on, and Hannah Montana, enter the real estate office and look over at Margo's desk.
JACKSON
(takes off his sunglasses) This is the dumbest thing I've ever done for you!
HANNAH
This is the only thing you've ever done for me. And don't pretend you're not the least bit interested in our future possible step-mom.
JACKSON
Well, of course I am. You're not the only one who cares about dad. I want him to be happy, too. (looking across at Margo) And if she happens to have a hot daughter who likes to invite her friends over for pillow fights, well everybody wins!
HANNAH
Hello! Back to Earth, Captain Hormone. All right, let's do this. (approaching Margo's desk) Just remember, you're my chauffeur. (to Margo) Um, hi, I'm Hannah Montana, and I'm looking for a house.
But Margo, unknown to Hannah and Jackson, is on the phone...
MARGO
(laughs) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
JACKSON
(unaware Margo is on the phone) Lady, you're not going to sell many houses with that attitude.
MARGO
Aargh, aargh, we'll talk later...(to Hannah and Jackson)...Sorry...argh...
JACKSON
Really? Well, how old is she? What does she look like, and do you happen to have a picture of her?
HANNAH
Not why we're here! (to Margo) But if we are going to be in business together, I need to know a little bit about you first. For example, who's this? (takes a photo from the desk) Your husband? Does he know you're dating?
MARGO
(taking the photo) Wait a minute. That's my brother.
HANNAH
A likely story, who keeps a picture of their brother on their desk?
MARGO
He gave me a kidney.
HANNAH
So you're scarred!
MARGO
You know, that's getting a little personal. Can we just stick to houses?
As Margo sits down at her desk, Hannah and Jackson run to either side of her, going through files on her desk.
HANNAH
Certainly. What's yours like, um...any kids running around?
JACKSON
Daughters who like pillow fights?
MARGO
(stops them) Um...you know...maybe I am not the right person to be selling you a house. Oh, let me put you in touch with Habib, Prince of the West Side. You're gonna' love him.
HANNAH
Hey, I'm not finished yet. (Jackson points over at Robby, who is entering with a bundle of flowers) On second thought, yes, I am. (she and Jackson start crawling for the closet) Miss Diamond, excuse me and my chauffeur, we have to confer in private, and I must insist that you let no one know that I was here!
Hannah closes the door, entering into the closet after Jackson.
MARGO
Absolutely...trying to forget about it myself.
In the closet, Jackson and Hannah are leaning up against the door. Jackson is practicing how he will talk himself out of the situation.
JACKSON
"I don't know what to say, dad. It was her idea, I tried to stop her. I'm just as disappointed as you are."
HANNAH
I am amazed that you can stand without a spine.
Back out in the office, Robby is approaching Margo's desk with the flowers. She is on the phone, again, unknown to Robby.
ROBBY
Hi, I brought you these.
MARGO
Oh...(onto phone)...I think we can spend a little more money than that!
ROBBY
(unaware Margo is on the phone) I don't think that's hardly fair. I mean, there was the movie last night, popcorn, you wanted the big drink.
MARGO
No, no! I'm on the phone...(takes the flowers)...they're lovely, thank you. (on phone) Yeah, yeah, Habib, let me call you back.
Back in the closet, Hannah is being squished by Jackson.
HANNAH
Jackson, you're on my foot!
JACKSON
I can't move! I've got a "For Sale" sign...in my backyard.
Back out in the office, Hannah merely opens the door so she can peek out.
ROBBY
I had a nice time last night.
MARGO
So did I.
HANNAH
Man, he really likes her. (closes the door)
JACKSON
Well you know Miles, she does seem pretty nice.
HANNAH
I don't care how nice she is, she ain't never getting any of my kidneys!
Cuts back to the office.
MARGO
I would love to go out for coffee. Let me just get someone to cover for me. (hushed tone) You're not gonna' believe this, but I have got Hannah Montana hiding in my closet.
ROBBY
Huh?
MARGO
Yeah, she's what we call a half-bath short of a condo. I blame the parents.
ROBBY
Yeah, me too...
MARGO
Let me get my coat.
Margo walks off in the opposite direction, as Robby goes towards the closet.
ROBBY
All right, come on out...(pause)...now.
Jackson slides open the door.
JACKSON
(lying) Oh, dad, what a relief. You'd never believe how lost I was. Would it help if I said I was happy for you?
Hannah comes out from the other side of the closet.
HANNAH
(as she walks past Robby) How could you?
Hannah is going for the exit, and Robby follows her.
ROBBY
Whoa, now hold up little girl. (Hannah stops and turns at him) How'd you find out?
HANNAH
Well, you didn't tell me.
ROBBY
I can explain.
HANNAH
OK, explain this. Why are you dating someone without telling me? Explain how you could ever think that there's someone out there who could ever replace my mom.
Hannah walks out, and Robby turns to Jackson, who is still standing at the closet door.
JACKSON
That was awkward. (closes the door and steps back into the closet)
***
Night. Miley is sitting out on the front deck playing her guitar, singing I MISS YOU. She has just finished, as Robby comes out and takes a seat beside her.
ROBBY
That's a beautiful song, honey. (pause; Miley puts aside her guitar) I like coming out here a night. It's a good place to try and figure things out. (pause) Maybe we could figure things out together...
MILEY
(after a short pause) Why didn't you tell me?
ROBBY
I guess, I was hoping to tell you at just the right time, and just the right way, so you'd understand, and not end up out here on the deck all alone. (sighs) I guess there was no right time, was there?
MILEY
I just can't picture you with anyone else but mom.
Miley goes and leans on the railing at the edge of the deck, and Robby follows her.
ROBBY
Neither can I. What she and I had was special, and...I can't replace that.
MILEY
Then why are you dating?
ROBBY
Because life goes on and, we gotta' try and figure out some way to go on with it. (pause) Don't you think your mom would've wanted that for us?
MILEY
Yeah...I guess she would've. She was pretty smart that way. I really miss her, daddy.
ROBBY
I miss her too, kiddo.
The two of them share a father-daughter hug, as Robby notices the rope ladder that Miley was using the previous day to lower herself down onto the deck. As they release from the hug, Robby holds it up.
ROBBY
What's this rope ladder doing here?
MILEY
Dad, let's not ruin the beautiful moment. (hugs him again)
ROBBY
You're right...I'll ruin it tomorrow.
***
Cooper and Jackson are seated beside each other on the couch in the Stewarts' living room. They are holding up there shirts and are pressing down on their bellybutton's, having drawn faces on them. They speak with accented voices..
JACKSON
So what do you wanna' do?
COOPER
Oh I don't know, what do you want to do?
JACKSON
Can you believe that we don't have dates on a Saturday night? If only they knew what they were missing.
Robby has sneaked up behind them. He crouches down and pats them on the shoulder.
ROBBY
I'm sorry I ever taught you that, son.
As he walks off, Cooper and Jackson anxiously close their shirts down over the faces they have drawn on, looking around to make sure nobody else was looking.
***
No comments:
Post a Comment